Imaginary girlfriend
Am I not dating because I have an imaginary girlfriend stopping me?
If you have not read my previous blog post “Imaginary Defender”, then please read that first because it will help put this post into context.
I was a missionary who had the typical thoughts of returning home and getting married quickly. I had heard of other missionaries doing so, so I figured that as long as I was searching, I would find her quickly. I had never had a girlfriend before my mission, so I had been waiting for this moment for a long time. Now over a year later, I still have not had a girlfriend while most of the missionaries who came home at the same time or after me have had girlfriends, even multiple ones. Others have gotten married. Now, I understand that there are multiple reasons as to why this is happening. I hope to describe one that maybe some haven’t thought of while still understanding that it is not the sole reason that I am still single.
The idea stems from a movie “Everything You Want”. The protagonist has an imaginary boyfriend that has been with her since a child. This imaginary boyfriend is seen in the movie, but only by her (and the viewers). Another guy is courting her, but she refuses to go for him because of her imaginary boyfriend. As the movie develops, the imaginary boyfriend creates problems the entire time, but she is able to slowly destroy him and fall in love with the real guy.
Although I love this movie, it was always silly to me that she would have an imaginary boyfriend. However, when I wrote my last blog post, I described our imaginary boyfriends and girlfriends causing problems in the relationship as they do not behave as we always imagined they would. I then realized that they are also stopping many of us from even being able to start dating someone.
We are a product of the culture. Movies, books, and fairytales have greatly influenced us and told us what love should be. Most of us can distinguish that true princes are not really going to ride in a white horse, but many of us do not recognize that we have imagined up what we want our significant other to be like. Pondering deeply about my dating life, I realized that I have imagined what she would look like, or all of the Godlike qualities I desired her to have. I had imagined someone who although not perfect, would be perfect for me. As Elder Uchtdorf said “My beloved brethren, may I remind you, if there were a perfect woman, do you really think she would be that interested in you?”.
Now that would be one of the women’s favorite quotes as they emotionally scream, “See! What you are looking for is right here!” and they are right. However, that quote applies to women just as much as it does to men. We all have someone that we have imagined that we want. Young girls have been encouraged to make lists of what they want in a future spouse. Some watch movies and then analyze the men about what they do wrong or right, who is cute and who is not. All of this is building the imagination of what it should be. The problem is that these people in movies are not like real people. They have makeup artists, and they shoot the scenes until done perfectly. Even if movies or books did not influence us, we still build things with our imaginations. I recently talked with a girl who started to say she did not have an imaginary boyfriend because she based her judgements off people she already knows. She sees good qualities in them and wants those in her husband. However, she then realized that she took the best qualities from every person, not just one, and had mashed them together to create a superhuman. An imaginary boyfriend.
It is true that we should make judgements, and that we should have standards for our spouses. There are definitely necessary elements in a relationship, so don’t discard those, but maybe some of us base it too much off feeling that spark when you meet, or the physical appearance. Not that I would date someone I am not attracted to, but maybe that attraction can come from people I had not imagined before. I must learn to destroy my imaginary girlfriend just like the girl in the movie overcame her imaginary boyfriend. Similar to how my imaginary defender did not defend like I thought he would, my imaginary girlfriend might not look like or have all of the qualities I thought she would. Is that her fault, or mine? Mine for imagining her wrong. It is impossible to imagine someone perfectly. Seeing the future is the job for the prophets, seers, and revelators. In the meantime, I need to stop trying to make real people fit my imaginary mold and just see them for who they are; flawed human beings, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but with whom I can still have great happiness.